Tuesday, January 26, 2010

i smell something fishy... love is in the air

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I've never been the type to hate couples who go all lovey-dovey in front of me. I've never entertained thoughts along the lines of "Pleeease, spare me a migraine and get a room", because every time I feel awkward due to overt displays of affection, I just turn the other cheek and pretend I (yes, I) don't exist. Recently though, I've felt a bit uncomfortable with every mention of the word love - or each implied reference to it...

Scratch uncomfortable. Maybe irritated is the right term for it.

It all started last night - picture me having dinner with a good friend, chatting over our identical set meals about her love life. Honestly, I was feeling very happy then; although I felt sick (and I knew I was going to be bed-ridden the next day) I felt strangely happy that she was seriously in love. Not in crush or in like or delusional - as most people whose love stories I overhear are - but truly, madly, deeply in love. And even after we had gone our separate ways, I was still feeling elated to discover that there was still a bit of love in the world.

Then this morning, I woke up to a headache and a clogged nose. I told myself I'd skip both Econ classes for the day and turn up for my 5:30 - 7PM PolSci 160 class - then, I turned to Lavinia for comfort and ended up working on the next FnQ issue. When I got tired of doing layout work, I decided to start on the personal Valentine's Day project I had concocted some days ago, a sort of love stories compilation featuring one story or poem or song per day leading to Valentine's.

And that's how I spent my entire morning - classifying love songs, editing love stories, searching for cheesy poems. All in the spirit of LOVE, LOVE, LOVE. And it didn't make me happy at all.

Skip a few hours - I'm in a classroom in AS, wiping my nose with a handkerchief while my teacher is talking about her marriage. Admittedly, I found her story funny - and I found myself wishing I'd find someone I'd love as much as she loves her husband. But then, I dunno, when I got out of the classroom, I began feeling down again. Even after I had read the first two chapters of Kare Kano no Jijou, I was still feeling down.

It's been four years since I fell in love. Although I'm perfectly content with my life right now (although I wish I'd show some signs of intelligence through my UPG once in a while) I'm currently feeling resentful towards love. I don't understand why. Is it because I'm not in love? I doubt being in love is the answer.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

what matters is what must be

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I just got home from a date to the GRF Grand Reunion at the Gateway Suites - was with two Philo majors namely K and S. We had a very enjoyable, enlightening, and slightly mind-boggling conversation on the taxi ride home, but anyway, the similarities and differences between Ateneo and UP are not what I plan to write about.

The highlight of the entire (almost) six-hour event for me, discounting the very enjoyable media board photo op with K, S and 2 new friends, was Hon. G. Padaca's speech. S says she used the same speech once before, from the intro down to the punch lines, but I didn't really care much, mainly because I'd never heard the gobernadora speak before. To attempt to share the same speech through my words would botch the message Hon. G. was trying to convey, but anyway, I'll try.

Basically, she shared her story of triumph over the Dynasty in Isabela politics, her battle with polio since she was three years old, and how, upon being awarded the Gerry Roxas Leadership Award on her high school graduation in the '80s, she was too shy to go up the stage. As a child, she had preferred studying quietly in a room, far away from the prying eyes of people, and she could barely understand why she had gotten an award for leadership, of all things.

But, many years later the meaning behind the award materialized as she took a good look around, and realized it would not do to simply wait for others to act, that for one to achieve results, one must take action even without prodding for others. That's why she ran for Governor - and won, by a 17K margin. Even though she was physically handicapped, and she had no experience in politics, she possessed the one vision of ending the political dynasty in Isabela, and that's what kept her going.

And what touched me most about her speech, aside from the part about each person having to act to get what s/he wanted instead of waiting for others to do something, was the part when she said that for some reason only God knows, all of us GRLAs gathered in that room were given the Gerry Roxas Award to fulfill a predetermined, distinct purpose that only we, and no one else, could fulfill. That even when we felt weak-kneed and incapable, we had to try and see how we could change things, because even the small, even the frail, could do something for the world somehow.

And then, after joining the standing ovation that the crowd had given her after her speech, I found myself wondering what I was waiting for. Was I waiting to grow? Should I force myself to grow? I felt weak, and I felt useless, and in UP I had never been possessed with the same driven spirit that filled me in high school. I wondered what my purpose was.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

the fangirl is insane

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Recently, I've been promising myself that I WON'T read fanfiction until I finish all the work I have to do. Almost always, too, I've been breaking my promises to myself - such as now. I should be doing the interview questions for Father Mike and Miss Juvy, or reading the 20 pages article that I have to come up with three talking points for by tomorrow, or sleeping like my two roommates, but NO! Up until a few minutes ago, I was loitering in ffnet, looking for MORE to read.

God, have mercy.

On a happier note, Ma'am Jamon heard our proposal for our PolSci 160 final paper, and she liked it very much, saying it was "relatively unexplored". In case anyone is interested, our topic is Gay Men in Politics, and our proposed paper focuses heavily, if not solely, on the UP community's perception of homesexuality in the political arena. The topic, suggested by Maricon, is expected to produce a paper that will gauge whether our school, which is arguably the most liberated university in the country, welcomes gay politicians - it's a good "exploration" ground, so to speak.

Finally, allow me to let my shallowness prevail for a few moments as I comment on Ma'am Jamon's faculty room. Unlike Sir Falgui's room, which he had to share with a roomie, and which didn't have much space for a bookshelf, Ma'am Jamon's den was unexpectedly spacious (more spacious than I expected, really), with an impressive bookshelf filled with PolSci books spanning almost an entire wall. True, Sir Nemenzo's room is probably the most "dignified" looking one I've been in so far, but he is a former UP president, that's understandable...

I'm rambling. I want to sleep. But no, I have to read on the ever-expanding black market for human organs and its contribution to globalization. Sniff.